The Annual Zombie Apocalypse Convention

17 Aug

Welcome to the Annual Zombie Apocalypse Convention.

Enjoy this free pamphlet provided by: Zombeze. When a Zombie gets too close, blast them with Zombeze. The only Zombie freshener that kills the repugnant dead smell, not just covers it up.  

Booth One: Machete’s R Us

No matter what size you need, from Colombian Necktie Trim to Old Tarzan Movie Jungle Brush Tall, MRU has all your machete needs.

Booth Two: Zombie Jerky

You kill ’em, we grill ’em. Disclaimer: This is not real Zombie meat. Zombie Jerky is for novelty purposes only. Zombie Jerky contains 40% turkey fat, 10% hot dog bun, and 50% spam. Real Zombie meat is poisonous and should never be ingested by human or animal.

Booth Three: How To Build A Fort Demostration

Purchase plans and receive a free instructional DVD. Choose from three different plans: Classic 1800’s Spanish, American Redneck, or Early American Train Hobo.

Booth Four: ZombieCares

Your first choice in personal crisis management. Our hotlines are open 24 hours a day. Grandma turned into a zombie, your neighbors, your dog…we can’t turn them back, but we can lend a sympathetic ear. Not affiliated with Zombie Caring.

Booth Five: Can Goods Awareness

Learn how to read an expiration date on a can good. Learn where to find an expiration date on a can good. Learn how to make your own expiration dates for a can good.

Booth Six: Guns vs Crossbows

It’s the age old debate–gun or crossbow. Read pamphlets on each, join the debate, receive a free crossbow or gun car magnet.

Booth Seven: Zombie Caring

Has one of your loved ones been turned into a Zombie. Then enroll them into Zombie Caring. Let our fine staff care, feed, or kill your zombie for you. Rates are subject to how many body parts are still remaining on your zombie. Not affiliated with ZombieCares.

Booth Eight: The Invisible Zombie Be Gone Fence

Once used for dogs to keep them in your yard, now used for Zombies to keep them out of your yard. No collar needed. See our demonstration to believe it.

Booth Nine: Anger Management Seminar

You would not believe how many of you are angry since the Zombie Apocalypse has happened four different times now.  Learn how to deal with it, or learn how to deal with others who are angry as well.

Booth Ten: Living In Close Quarters Workshop

Afraid of everything? Afraid of wide open fields full of zombies? Our workshop will teach you how to survive in basements, sewers, under beds, behind broken doors, crawl spaces, and more.

Booth Eleven: Water, Don’t Forget About It

Everything you need to know to find it, make it, store it, and reuse it. Free 2 oz water bottle just for stopping by.

Booth Twelve: Solar Power And You

Learn ways to steal solar power panels and make them work for you. Free solar powered key chains available.

Booth Thirteen: Nutritious Bugs

Find out which bugs to eat when there is no food, and which ones not to eat. Learn the carb counts of various bugs, spiders, and lizards. Get recipe cards and dinner suggestions.

Thank you to other fine sponsors Super TV Channel 8, your number one source for up-to-date zombie news, and Diet XXX drink, the only drink that guaranties 2% faster mobility when being chased by zombies.  

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9 Responses to “The Annual Zombie Apocalypse Convention”

  1. Halley Brussell September 10, 2011 at 2:39 PM #

    Love It.

  2. Love & Lunchmeat September 7, 2012 at 9:01 AM #

    Are zombies sensitive to high-pitched noises? Have you been stockpiling iodine tablets to purify the water? You clearly know things. Yet you did not wish to join the Zombie Apocalypse team… ?

    • Christopher De Voss September 7, 2012 at 9:12 AM #

      I was never invited.

      • Love & Lunchmeat September 7, 2012 at 9:14 AM #

        I had never read or seen you before. Bring iodine and witty banter and you are invited.

        I’ll even make you special bling. Just don’t tell anyone or everyone will want special bling.

      • Christopher De Voss September 7, 2012 at 9:16 AM #

        Deal!

      • Love & Lunchmeat September 7, 2012 at 9:23 AM #

        Okay, we’ll get back to you on the zombie bling. There is a lot of pink on your site. Award may also have some pink.

        Perhaps in that way, it’ll be a reference to Ryan Seacrest. Or perhaps it will mean you’re both a zombie fighter extraordinaire and a feminist. Which is awesome.

      • Christopher De Voss September 7, 2012 at 9:25 AM #

        I like boobs. Does that make a feminist?

      • Love & Lunchmeat September 7, 2012 at 9:33 AM #

        Only if you channel it into breast cancer “research”.

      • Christopher De Voss September 7, 2012 at 11:45 PM #

        October, breast cancer awareness month. Favorite breast cancer charity : Rock Pink.

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