Pandas Make Horrible Best Friends

22 Jul

Pandas do not make good best friends.
They never return your calls, or emails, or text messages.
They never pick up the tab in a restaurant.
They never hold your hair back when you’re throwing up in the toilet.
They always make you drive.
They never ask you to be the Best Man or Maid of Honor at their wedding.
They always tell you, you look fat even though they are fatter than you.
They will try to eat your baby and then play it off as a “joke”.
They enter you into contests without your permission.
They will hack your Facebook and Twitter and leave status updates that make you look gay… and if you’re gay they will leave status updates that make you look straight.
They never laugh at your jokes and always laugh at your tears.
They will cook you dinner, but it will always be the same thing… bamboo and meatballs.
They will bitch slap your Mom and then tell you that’s the panda way.
They will perform an interpretive dance, dedicate it to you, and by interpretive dance I mean poop on your floor.
They always have to control the remote.
They will insist on giving you a haircut, but will not due to the fact that Pandas boycott the movie Edward Scissorhands.
Pandas fart a lot.
They will pick bugs out of their fur and then wipe them on the dog.
They will pee on your hamster.
They hate the Beastie Boys.
They think ostriches would make good talk show hosts and will talk for hours trying to prove their point.
They are left handed.
They never brush their teeth and when they do, they will use your toothbrush.
They think their teeth are located up their butt.
They only drink RC Cola.
They have beady eyes.

If you’re a fan of the panda, and are offended by any of the above statements… then by all means become best friends with a panda. Just let me be the first to say, “I told you so. “

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