Now Find Me…

13 Jan fbbuttonyt

Hello…and welcome.

I’m glad you found me.

However this is my old blog. It has a lot of short stories, funny musings, and other ramblings. Feel free to explore…

There will be no new updates on this site.

But…

When you are done, head over to Long Awkward Pause to find me in my new home!

It’s a really funny magazine staffed by myself and many talented writers, podcasters, and YouTubers.

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It Appears I Have a Zombie Car

5 Jan

Originally posted on The Green-Walled Tower:

Upon my word, I’m not sure how to say this but I believe I am the owner of a zombie car.

Braaaaaaaaaakes...braaaaaaakes. Braaaaaaakesss…braaaaaaaakesss. [Source] Don’t ask me how such a thing is possible; my mechanic Gregory had no idea what the matter was and I had to rely on the expertise of young Michael who runs the comic store and indie movie theater. He seemed to know all about it. At least he pretended to.

It all started a week ago with the accident. I was coming up Route 43, just north of Springersville. It was foggy and you know how the road curves left just over the river? Well, straight ahead is the gate for Granger’s scrap yard and I just missed the turn completely in the fog and plowed right into that chain-link gate with my 2002 Corolla. It was an honest mistake, I can assure you…

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The New Modern Holiday Carol

29 Dec Featured Image -- 6868

Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:

There is a plague in this country that is far worse than Malaria, Black Death, or even Ebola.

And that plague is called Political Correctness.

What this blight does is stop people from recognizing that it’s OK to be different.

Imagine a world full of the one type of people and culture.

How boring.

Even the Holidays are not immune to this deadly virus.

Nowadays, not only will you offend people if you do notwish them a Merry Christmas, but you will offend people if you wish them a Merry Christmas.

Oh my gosh…what if they celebrate Hanukkah?

Or Kwanzaa?

What if they are Buddhist?

And you just wished them a Merry Christmas…

How could you?!

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Peyton Manning Needs Me

24 Dec Featured Image -- 6859

Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:

When I started dating my wife years ago, I explained to her that I wasn’t one of those guys who watches ESPN eight hours a day like a bunch of her friends’ significant others.   I really don’t give a rat’s ass about baseball, hockey, or college sports.  So she never has to worry about not being able to watch The Good Wife or some other chick show because I want to see Gonzaga play Idaho State in basketball.  The only thing I ask for is three hours on Sundays to watch Pro Football.  Specifically, to watch the Chicago Bears, even though they’re the furthest thing from Pro these days.

We moved away from our beloved hometown of Chicago a few years ago but I still manage to watch every Bears game.  Since the games usually aren’t televised on local channels, I have to watch at those sports bars that have a…

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Report: Millennials Staying at the Kids’ Table Longer

26 Nov Featured Image -- 6857

Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:

Corroborating with statistics that show Millennials are living at home in their parents’ basements longer than previous generations, a new study released by researchers at Cornell University found that a startling 89% of Millennials plan on staying at the Thanksgiving kids’ table for as long as possible. “Whether the constituents of the kids’ table were a few years their junior or even a decade younger, our study found that an overwhelming majority of Millennials prefer the company of irritating brats rather than their older, judgmental, and financially-secure relatives,” the report stated.

We reached out to Josh Castaneda, a 25-year-old with a Bachelor of Arts in Plant Psychology, who’s currently employed as a Team Lead at Hollister. When Long Awkward Pause asked if Castaneda would be sitting at the kids’ table at Thanksgiving this year, he laughed. “Definitely. I’ll be sitting with my cousins. One’s 13, another one is 11, and the youngest…

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The Over The Line Show #9: Foods New To Joe Plus Star Wars. Music By AJ In Evolution

15 Nov Featured Image -- 6851

Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:

over the line banner

On Today’s Show:

This episodes musical guest: A.J. in Evolution. Find his music here:http://ajinevolution.bandcamp.com. The song featured is off the album: Bare Bones.

barebones

The boys talk TV, Star Wars, and foods that are common to the world…but new to Joe. Make sure to weigh in on the Root Beer Candy poll in the comments below!

Listen to the Show Here:

You can download the episode or listen on the Podomatic App here: http://longawkwardpause.podomatic.com/entry/2014-11-07T19_44_02-08_00

Official PauseCast Page: http://longawkwardpause.podomatic.com/

iTunes Link: Listen Here

You can contact Jack or Joe for topic suggestions or to be a guest HERE

You can download the podomatic app for your phone here:

gp-store-badge itunes-store-badge

—–

MORE PLACES TO FIND LONG AWKWARD PAUSE:

Facebook: Long Awkward Pause

Twitter: @LongAwkPause

Tumblr: Long Awkward Pause Mag

Podcast: iTunes or PodOmatic

Would you like to see a topic discussed on LAP?  Click HERE.

 

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Common Core – The Death Of Math As We Know It (And Not In A Good Way)

5 Sep Featured Image -- 6843

Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:

“Daddy, I need your help,” the 7 year old says to me.

“Sure honey…with what?” I respond.

“Homework. Math. I don’t understand it.”

Second grade math. Easy. Addition. Subtraction. Piece. Of. Cake. Now is my chance to look like a Super Hero! Captain Mathman! Super Subtraction-man! The Great Additionanator!

With great pride and bravado I say, “Let’s see what we got going on here. Show me the problem.”

She walks the computer over and stops with a jolt. It’s still plugged into the wall.

Cute.

Warning:

That is the very last cute thing of this horrible tale you will read. Proceed at your own risk of hair and brain cell loss.

The 7 year old is frustrated.

“I don’t understand this problem,” she says all cute and doey eyed.

Jenny has 37 nude pictures on her iPhone 18. A hacker steals 19 of the pictures and uploads them to the internet. How many nude…

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LYRICAL GRAFFITI

3 Sep Featured Image -- 6840

Originally posted on hastywords:

This duet is surrounded by a story written by Christopher De Voss with Long Awkward Pause.  The picture is of my friend Kristina Hickman and taken at an abandoned rail maintenance station in El Reno, Oklahoma.  I really love how this simple duet turned into a complete piece of mixed media.  Please visit Long Awkward Pause and give them a much deserved follow!IMG_0224 copyWritten by Christopher De Voss and Hastywords

On the south side of Hampton stood the projects.

The projects were several blocks of German brick townhouses and single story shops that were now vacant. It was once an artsy neighborhood where the upper middle class lived and played. You could walk out your front door, then walk down the street to the local wine and cheese shop for a quick sample every Saturday. Over the sound system some new age music of some sort or other would…

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The Over The Line Show #8 with Special Guest: Henry Rollins Plus Robin Williams Tribute

22 Aug Featured Image -- 6826

Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:

over the line banner

On Today’s Show:

Special Guest:

rollins2 Henry Rollins

Henry Rollins wears many hats; a musician, writer, journalist, publisher, actor, radio host, spoken word artist, radio show host, and activist. 

Rollins was the front man for the bands, Black Flag and the Rollins Band.

He  has also hosted numerous radio shows, television shows, and been in several movies. Rollins has also campaigned for various political causes in the United States, including promoting LGBT rights, World Hunger Relief, and an end to war in particular.

Plus:

A tribute to Robin Williams

robin williams

Listen to the Show Here:

You can download the episode or listen on the Podomatic App here: http://longawkwardpause.podomatic.com/entry/2014-08-19T07_57_10-07_00

Official PauseCast Page: http://longawkwardpause.podomatic.com/

iTunes Link: Listen Here

You can contact Jack or Joe for topic suggestions or to be a guest HERE

You can download the podomatic app for your phone here:

gp-store-badge itunes-store-badge

—–

MORE PLACES TO FIND LONG AWKWARD PAUSE:

Facebook: Long Awkward Pause

Twitter: 

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The Official Handshake Etiquette Guidebook

16 Aug Featured Image -- 6806

Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:

Shaking hands is a greeting ritual that dates back to the early Neolithic period, and it was somewhere around that time when people decided it was more appropriate than licking someone’s face to acknowledge a clan member.

This custom along with its many variations have lead to some confusion since the advent of Instagram, but fret not!  We have officially been commissioned by The International Handshaking and Other Hand Gestures Council to construct a brief quick-reference guide to hand-humping.  It was a free gig and we take what we can get.

Below you’ll find a list of handshakes that are internationally recognized by the council.

Please print this list and keep it for future reference in case you meet people not on Facebook.

1.  The Double Embrace

This variation is a particularly intimate one which involves a two-handed grab, or embrace by one of the hand-shaking parties.

See below:

670px-Have-a-Persuasive-Handshake-Step-2

It’s…

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