Everyone Has An Amazon Best Seller But Me

10 Jan

When you immerse yourself into this WordPress cult, er..culture, suddenly every one you know has an Amazon Best Seller book to their credit.

I don’t have an Amazon Best Seller book to my credit.

I would like one…however that would require writing a book. I have put together some semblance of a book, but it currently sits in pieces between the apps/programs of Evernote, Microsoft Word, and Jotterpad X…like some century old Romans rushed in, tied it together and quartered it with their horses before galloping off to get Eggnog shakes from McDonalds. Jokes on you, century old Romans, the Shamrock shake should be available soon, and it’s a much, much, better choice in the shake-mosphere.

I do however have one published story, and one rejection letter:

rejection

Well you know what? Heads Will Roll is a damn fine story. Maybe you don’t like zombies Mr. Jonathan Starke, but don’t tell me about my time, effort, passion, and energy that I put into that story when you don’t know! Especially since I put no time or effort into it, AND I probably ate three packages of Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop Tarts while writing it, dribbling Pop Tart crumbs onto the keyboard in the process. I probably also drank/drunk several Coke Zeros too. Most likely I put more effort, passion, and energy into burping Brown Sugar Cinnamon slash Coke Zero fumes at the dog, who would in protest open it’s mouth and snap it shut over the invisible pungent odor surrounding it’s small stupid cranium.

And explain to me what  ‘festive pursuits’ means? This sounds like it  might put me in a Dr. Seuss inspired world.

Christopher McManus McBean De Voss
Often found himself at a loss
Which would make he proclaim,
“Gadzooks!”
Then decorate the town,
In his festive pursuits

Palooka is a dumb name for a magazine anyway.

While browsing my WordPress reader, I soon noticed just how many people that I associate with, either regularly or occasionally, have published books. (That sentence needs more commas. It’s like more cowbell, but for literary buffs. )

For example:

Carrie Ruben has a book that another friend of mine recommended that I read.  Imagine my friend’s surprise when I said, “Hey, guess what…I know Carrie!”  I looked really cool. Rodney Lacroix has two books and is in the process of writing six more…this week.

Marc Schuster has also written a couple of books either by himself or with other people, AND on top of that, he teaches other people how to write more better…I have not taken his course. It seems like my friends Maddie Cochere and Kayla Lords are always publishing something new.

I don’t read her, but apparently she is the quintessential name in blogging, The Bloggess has a book, and from the reviews it looks pretty funny…and might feature dead stuffed rodents. Don’t quote me on that, I’m just guessing from the cover. The Hook, who has written a book, recently featured this guy, Tom Lucas on his site. Guess what ol’ Tom did? Tom wrote a book.

(On a side note…Dear Mr. The Hook…For some reason my WordPress reader likes to unfollow you randomly…so if you were ever wondering why I follow and unfollow you a lot, it’s not me. Some one doesn’t want us to be together. WordPress Reader is being a dick.)

Ned Hickson is a real life journalist who happens to have a real life published book. Yay Ned!

Looking at my fellow Pausers; Jack is trying to get funding for his finished book on Kickstarter, and Justin Gawel revealed to me over lunch at Dick’s Last Resort that he is putting the finishing touches on his novella. Monk Monkey’s best friend, who shall remain nameless due to his request, also has several published books.

What is the point of this you ask? Why are you rambling about all that?

Just write a book already, you say?

I am, so get off my back.

I am announcing that I am currently in the process of putting the final touches on my brand new, multi-chapter….

Coloring Book!

Shut up! It still counts as a book.

Look for it on the Amazon Best Seller list soon.

It will probably be along the same lines as this one:

38910371

87 Responses to “Everyone Has An Amazon Best Seller But Me”

  1. DUH'Merica January 10, 2014 at 8:53 AM #

    I think it’s impressive that you received such a polite rejection email. I’m still trying to get one of those:)

    • Christopher De Voss January 10, 2014 at 8:57 AM #

      I think I’m going to start a collection, like intentionally try to get them from major publications. Submit an article about menstruation problems to Maxium…that kind of thing.

      • DUH'Merica January 10, 2014 at 9:05 AM #

        Good idea, that could become its own blog

      • Christopher De Voss January 10, 2014 at 9:08 AM #

        I see us working together soon…

      • Olivia Casey January 13, 2014 at 9:43 PM #

        hahaha. this is actually an hilarious idea, omg. please do it.

      • Christopher De Voss January 13, 2014 at 9:49 PM #

        done!

      • Olivia Casey January 14, 2014 at 12:32 PM #

        really?!?! :D

      • Christopher De Voss January 14, 2014 at 12:46 PM #

        Well it’s going to take some time…but the commitment is there.

      • Olivia Casey January 14, 2014 at 12:47 PM #

        Hahah. Oh.

  2. El Guapo January 10, 2014 at 8:57 AM #

    I have a stack of agent rejections somewhere from the days when things were still done by mail and paper (!).

    Once reviews for your fine publication are enabled on Amazon, I shall herald it’s arrival with a brilliant dissertation on your use of analogy, simile, and achronism (not to mention metaphor!) in revealing the deep-seated relation of nuclear dystopia along the lines of the processed food-ferret jerky industrialism.

    • El Guapo January 10, 2014 at 8:58 AM #

      (sorry, I’ll also throw the phrase “vis-a-vis” in the review so people know it’s serious.)

    • Christopher De Voss January 10, 2014 at 8:58 AM #

      Sounds….good? Thank you?

  3. Chowderhead January 10, 2014 at 9:01 AM #

    I’ll take three! Those are some nice boobs too by the way.

    And I’m happy for Ned, just read that on Twitter yesterday. So, Ned, if you read this, I’m happy for you. Happy happy joy joy!

    • Christopher De Voss January 10, 2014 at 9:03 AM #

      Yup, it’s on my “to buy” list for sure. I want an autographed copy though.

      • Chowderhead January 10, 2014 at 9:04 AM #

        Me too. I want also want a coffee. And a cinnamon donut too.

      • Christopher De Voss January 10, 2014 at 9:07 AM #

        Me too…

    • Ned's Blog January 11, 2014 at 12:46 AM #

      I had boobs in my book, too! They were mine, so my publisher made me take them out.

      Of the book, I mean, not my shirt.

      Either way, your happiness is appreciated.

  4. NotAPunkRocker January 10, 2014 at 9:16 AM #

    Have you seen the hip hop/rap artist coloring book? There’s something for everyone now.

  5. brickhousechick January 10, 2014 at 9:28 AM #

    This is hilarious, Christopher! A good way to start my Friday. I also LOVE Brown Sugar Pop Tarts – though I’ve never burped them on anyone. :)

  6. gingerfightback January 10, 2014 at 11:07 AM #

    You should write a book about it

  7. Carrie Rubin January 10, 2014 at 11:09 AM #

    I have no doubt someday I’ll be adding you to my Books by Bloggers page. Well, unless it really is a book full of boobies. Then I probably won’t read it. Not unless you sprinkle in Daniel Craig, Hugh Jackman, and Jeremy Renner along with it…

    Thanks so much for the mention. Much appreciated! Love that your friend enjoyed my book!

  8. The Bumble Files January 10, 2014 at 11:11 AM #

    I’m glad I’m not the only who has noticed this. We need to write a book! We can do it. I think your Boobs Coloring Book is a grand idea. I don’t think it’s out there yet. Ha ha. I love the festive pursuits rhyme. Well done! Perhaps a book of poetry. I think whatever you write, it will be funny!

  9. Kayjai January 10, 2014 at 11:15 AM #

    That colouring book would totally be a best seller in a week…just put boobs on the cover and bam! A million copies gone. Genius.

  10. Tom Lucas January 10, 2014 at 11:30 AM #

    Let me know when the presales start.

  11. silkpurseproductions January 10, 2014 at 11:38 AM #

    Agreed. The list seems endless when I look at all the people I know blogging, that have written a book. To be honest, I thought you had written a book. Somehow I feel better knowing I am not alone being bookless.

  12. Maddie Cochere January 10, 2014 at 12:14 PM #

    You told them Palooka bozos. Good for you. I always think that you have a book out, because you are published in anthologies. Yes, it’s time for you to branch out on your own.

    Thanks for the mention. Would you believe I just realized LAST WEEK that you use the tag “boobs” in all your posts. Doh!

  13. lifeissarcasm January 10, 2014 at 1:46 PM #

    As much as I love Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop Tarts – I can tell you what you did wrong so you’ll get published next time. Eat Strawberry Frosted Pop Tarts! The fruit will make all the difference.

  14. ksbeth January 10, 2014 at 8:33 PM #

    sorry about the rejection, i predict the boob book will be a hit – it certainly will be with my kindergarten, and can’t wait to see yours )

  15. Ned's Blog January 11, 2014 at 12:49 AM #

    Chris, I have a whole drawer of rejection letters. I’m going to publish them for my next book. Talk about a book of boobs…

    • Christopher De Voss January 11, 2014 at 10:21 AM #

      That is actually a great idea!

      • Ned's Blog January 11, 2014 at 3:56 PM #

        Hey, maybe you can write the forward for my rejection book. Unless you don’t want to. Just let me know; I can include that, too…

      • Christopher De Voss January 11, 2014 at 9:07 PM #

        Or I could write the forward and you could reject me, either way I think the forward is pretty much done.

      • Ned's Blog January 11, 2014 at 10:26 PM #

        I’m sure one day we’ll look back on this forward and both deny it happened.

  16. herdthinner January 11, 2014 at 1:03 AM #

    Yes, but the hand on the Boob Book cover clearly can’t follow directions. Wasting all that time coloring in the shirt. Unless it’s like coloring the meal first, then the dessert? Or are boobs the meal? If so, what’s the des– Oh. Right. Never mind.

    Will you throw rock-hard Pop Tarts at me if I meekly whisper having published four books in my past life? But they are not, by any stretch of the imagination, best sellers, or even a fraction thereof. Out of print for years, too. And even *I* agree with the Amazon readers that hated the first one, and I curl up and cry over even a hint of criticism. (Saving grace: some gave it five stars. THEY will live when I rule the world someday). I’m afraid to read reviews of the other books.

    • Christopher De Voss January 11, 2014 at 10:21 AM #

      Why not rewrite and republish? That is quite an impressive thing!

      • herdthinner January 11, 2014 at 3:08 PM #

        Well, that’s what my blog is for, minus the “republish” part. I have no tolerance these days for being edited – which is quite evident, given its length!

      • Christopher De Voss January 11, 2014 at 3:22 PM #

        Gotcha.

  17. David Stewart January 11, 2014 at 9:08 PM #

    “Head Will Roll” was a great story; Palooka doesn’t know what they’re at. You could do a whole line of body part coloring books, (although I’d lead with the boobs). Color my Armpits might only be a cult classic though.

    • Christopher De Voss January 11, 2014 at 9:11 PM #

      Haha! I agree! As well as Color Grandma’s Aliments.

      • David Stewart January 11, 2014 at 9:13 PM #

        That could be called Cringeworthy Coloring. I’ll bet there’s a market somewhere. Probably Japan.

      • Christopher De Voss January 11, 2014 at 9:23 PM #

        We always have Japan…

  18. isawbobdylaninaspeedo January 12, 2014 at 12:09 PM #

    I like that the sign off in your rejection letter was ROCK ON. Thanks DAD. I have no book also and own many books written by friends. We can do this bro. Rock hard.

  19. Fat Bottom Girl January 14, 2014 at 2:39 PM #

    The dudes are going to love that!! lol

  20. ohlidia January 14, 2014 at 11:01 PM #

    Looking forward to your book… or rather, hubby is! :-)

  21. Eric Tonningsen January 18, 2014 at 4:13 PM #

    Awaiting its arrival…with bated crayons.

  22. The Hook January 20, 2014 at 9:05 AM #

    Christopher,
    You certainly have the talent and style for the book biz, buddy. I self-published my book – and failed miserably, so don’t feel too bad.
    Your time will come. The stars have to align, that is all.

    By the way, your 5×5 moment is coming; I’m overwhelmed with putting a short pitch together for my daughter right now. You’d think a short speech would be easy peasy, but it’s killing me!

    Oh well.
    Talk to you soon, buddy.
    The Hook.

  23. Sarah Brekke January 23, 2014 at 10:32 PM #

    I think coloring books are way cooler than books with words. But that’s just me. I think.

    • Christopher De Voss January 23, 2014 at 11:20 PM #

      I like how you think.

      • Sarah Brekke January 23, 2014 at 11:27 PM #

        Thank you, I do it all the time. ;)

  24. Pixie Girl January 24, 2014 at 8:11 AM #

    Bloody hell, I certainly did not know so many of bloggers I follow wrote something… I guess it’s only a matter of time for you too, Chris ;)
    You could try self-publishing, but it’s not too easy apparently.

    • Christopher De Voss January 24, 2014 at 8:12 AM #

      No. I’m not writing anything anytime soon. And I would never self publish.

  25. jiltaroo January 28, 2014 at 10:13 PM #

    50 shades of boobs. I think I shall buys one each for my 4 sons (the youngest being 7). Will there be a sequel such as “Paint the Penis” or “Textas and Testicles”? My Mum’s 80th birthday is March 22 this year…hint hint.

  26. floridaborne February 8, 2014 at 11:55 AM #

    You could go through createspace, but you will need a kickstarter crowd funding campaign or a credit card that isn’t maxed out.

  27. Drong Caveman February 13, 2014 at 1:02 AM #

    Boobs good!

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