Six Christmas Reindeer that Didn’t Make the Delivery Team

21 Dec

This is a piece that was written by my fellow Pauser, Chowderhead and myself…well to be honest it was about 90% Chowderhead and 10% myself.

Six Christmas Reindeer that Didn’t Make the Delivery Team

The task of expediting billions of presents to mouthy brats around the globe in one night is a heaping pile of responsibility – one that requires a sharp, sober team of hoofed navigators to help carry it out. There’s only room for one drunken deviant on the parcel delivery team, and that’s Santa Claus; a morbidly obese shut-in operating under the delusion that wearing a belt and boots with red pajamas is more than a just a kinky homage to Hugh Hefner, it’s a fashion statement.

Assembling a dashing team of sleigh navigators has historically been no simple task – one that requires a formal tryout, which annually results in reject letters being handed out to dozens of four-legged, horn bearing hopefuls. Remember all those Reindeer games? These caribou take it seriously and have been training all their lives!

Now I know you’re familiar with Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, and that freak, Rudolph; but according to some loose media source there were 6 previously unknown potentials that narrowly made the cut.

(To be honest, they weren’t even close to making the cut.)

Flasher

Official scouting report notes indicated that this obscene creature couldn’t keep his reindeer gear tucked between his furry little thighs during the tryouts. A lewd compulsion to flash his candy cane and holly berries in front of festive front room windows not only kept him off the team, but also nearly landed him a two year stay on the pet offenders list.

Dahmer

Initially, his calm demeanor and ability to take orders earned him a spot on the flight crew team. However, his membership status was revoked shortly after scouts discovered his hidden cannibalistic tendencies. He didn’t last too long at tryout camp, and neither did his stable mate, Meaty.

Square Dancer

It was determined that this uncoordinated mess of a creature might potentially blow the cover so to speak. During the trial package drop, Square Dancer attempted to Doe See Doe with Flasher, producing unacceptable decibel levels up on the roof tops.

Grab your partner don’t be shy,
Eat some magic corn, then you’ll fly
Land on the roofop, dosey doe
Santa is in the house,
your ass is standing in the snow
 

Nixon

A soft spoken and charismatic leader-type at first glance. However, walking papers were issued after one scouting team official candidly discovered him editing Christmas Lists and the official package delivery route. The incident was later coined, KringleGate. For the full story, you can watch the movie, All The Reindeer’s Men starring The Elf that Wanted to be a Dentist and the cast of The Island of Misfit Toys.

Vomit

Suffers from motion sickness. Also didn’t look good for any publicity photo shoots, for Vomit always had about six air sickness bags hanging off of him…just in case.

Stupid

His offenses are too long to list. Fellow trial mates frequently complained of inappropriate blinker usage during practice flights, and Stupid fell of a roof during one trial run while attempting a chimney handstand. The incident resulted in a broken femur, insurance settlement dispute that has been ongoing since its occurrence. Officials would not release any further details or names of the scouts associated with Stupid’s official invitation, but it’s been rumored that Stupid maybe in the new Jackass movie.

Blitzed’n

This deer liked his beer, which affected his steer. His also liked his vodka, just like his poppa. You would usually find him in passed out in the gutter, with a hooker nicknamed, Nutter Butter.

Since we are talking alternative reindeer, did you know that when Rudolph throws a hissy fit because he is such a big celebrity, (sometimes they do that) that his cousin from Germany, Christoph sometimes fill in?

True fact.

53 Responses to “Six Christmas Reindeer that Didn’t Make the Delivery Team”

  1. Ned's Blog December 21, 2013 at 10:27 AM #

    Chris and Adam, thank you for this. Now that my kids are old enough (5), it will be replacing our traditional reading of “T’was the Night Before Christmas.” Though it scares me to think, should the current stable of reindeer ever strike, this might be the replacement team. If so, I hope I don’t get flashed when I’m cleaning vomit off the roof…

    • Christopher De Voss December 21, 2013 at 10:55 AM #

      The replacement team sounds like a good movie, but it has to be made by Rankin and Bass.

      • Ned's Blog December 21, 2013 at 11:10 AM #

        Hey, maybe they can get Sylvester Stallone and the Expendibles gang to do the voices?

      • Christopher De Voss December 21, 2013 at 11:13 AM #

        Dolph Lundgren can play Nixon.

      • Ned's Blog December 21, 2013 at 11:23 AM #

        Perfect! And without question, Mel Gibson could play dual roles as Vomit and Flasher.

      • Ned's Blog December 21, 2013 at 11:26 AM #

        They may have to introduce a new reindeer for Harrison Ford: “Geezer.”

        OK, sorry; I’m done now…

      • Christopher De Voss December 21, 2013 at 11:58 AM #

        No, no… Perfect! Now to work on the sequel…

    • Chowderhead December 25, 2013 at 7:06 AM #

      You have five kids? Damn, Ned – you’re workin with some high efficiency batter there!

      • Ned's Blog December 25, 2013 at 3:21 PM #

        Yes, I have to be very careful. They have samples in Atlanta; in the event of a mass extinction, they can repopulate the planet.

        Not really, we have a blended family. But I COULD have that many if I wanted to. Oh, and if I didn’t have a vasectomy…

  2. The Bumble Files December 21, 2013 at 1:20 PM #

    I loved this!! Ha ha. Oh, it’s too bad these guys didn’t get their chance! I’m sure they probably really wanted it. Did you hear about “Stripper?” She also tried out, but was rejected by Dancer and Prancer. They didn’t like how she incorporated the tree in her dancing games.

    • Christopher De Voss December 21, 2013 at 1:22 PM #

      Or how expensive she was! Make it rain!

    • Chowderhead December 23, 2013 at 3:06 PM #

      Stripper eloped with Vixen I think. That would explain a lot…

  3. ksbeth December 21, 2013 at 3:41 PM #

    i believe i have dated both flasher and blitzed’n. fun guys but not ones to take home to mama.

  4. rayworth1973 December 21, 2013 at 4:22 PM #

    A great bunch!

  5. Chowderhead December 21, 2013 at 5:28 PM #

    I would comment about the post, but I already read it so many times that I’m sick of it. I just wanted to say that I appreciate the ‘boobs’ tag.

  6. David Stewart December 21, 2013 at 9:23 PM #

    I kind of want to see a movie with just these reindeer now. The premise could be that an eggnog explosion killed the others and Santa had to scrape the bottom of the barrel.

  7. Eva St. James December 22, 2013 at 2:38 AM #

    up late working, and this was just the thing I needed! its funnier ‘n hell. Thank you.

  8. Katie December 22, 2013 at 8:12 AM #

    Still mad about Flasher.

    • Christopher De Voss December 22, 2013 at 8:23 AM #

      Well there is always my Uncle Harold…

    • Chowderhead December 22, 2013 at 12:36 PM #

      Did you see how big his bells are?? Impressive. Lewd and inappropriate, but impressive indeed.

  9. calahan December 22, 2013 at 1:49 PM #

    Ha. I am so going to steal this bit and claim it as my own.

    • Christopher De Voss December 22, 2013 at 2:12 PM #

      That’s OK because we stole it from you originally. Mind blown.

      • calahan December 22, 2013 at 3:20 PM #

        See you in court, De Voss.

      • Christopher De Voss December 22, 2013 at 3:26 PM #

        Not again!

      • calahan December 22, 2013 at 3:28 PM #

        I’ll try to get Judge Stanfield, again. He seemed to really take an immediate dislike to you. Me? He loved me!

      • Christopher De Voss December 22, 2013 at 4:18 PM #

        I don’t think it’s really fair to use your second cousin twice removed on your Mother’s side…

      • calahan December 22, 2013 at 6:06 PM #

        *insert world’s smallest violin*

    • Chowderhead December 23, 2013 at 12:48 PM #

      Great exchange here, fellas. Calahan, I offered. Your silent refusal automatically added in a no-sue clause to our binding contract.

      • calahan December 23, 2013 at 2:00 PM #

        I eat chowder for breakfast. Remember that…

      • Christopher De Voss December 23, 2013 at 2:49 PM #

        Is that a gay joke?

    • Chowderhead December 23, 2013 at 2:56 PM #

      Mike, this is all so uncharacteristic of you here today – this senseless outpouring of misguided aggression. May I suggest channeling your negative energy into more positive outlets like, crochet work, or crossword puzzles, or the Detroit Lions. No wait, not the Lions. You can channel your negativity at those fuckers.

      I’m sorry. I take that back. You’re not fuckers, Lions. I still love you.
      :(

      • calahan December 23, 2013 at 3:01 PM #

        It’s too late for apologies, Chowderhead. – The Lions

      • Chowderhead December 23, 2013 at 3:02 PM #

        Stupid Lions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        I hate you all!!!!!!

        But I love you too!!!!!

        You bastards that I love!!!!!!!!

  10. whiteladyinthehood December 22, 2013 at 2:48 PM #

    Funniest thing I’ve read today!

  11. 1jaded1 December 22, 2013 at 11:57 PM #

    This is hilarious (as always)…and hhhmmm…is one of these guys not really a reindeer?

    • Christopher De Voss December 23, 2013 at 12:00 AM #

      Or maybe one of those guys is not really a reindeer…what?

      • 1jaded1 December 23, 2013 at 3:55 AM #

        I keep counting seven…not six…

      • Christopher De Voss December 23, 2013 at 8:48 AM #

        That’s called Chowderhead drunken maths.

    • Chowderhead December 23, 2013 at 12:48 PM #

      That’s De Voss! I add better when I’m drunk! And thank you :)

  12. silkpurseproductions January 12, 2014 at 8:41 AM #

    Even this long after all the Christmas hoopla, I love this. Your 10% is golden and Chowder head’s 90% is brilliant as well.

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